Still Thinkin'

Archive for March, 2011|Monthly archive page

Who, What, Where, When and Why ???

In life on March 24, 2011 at 3:13 pm

So its’ been a while …and bbbooooyyyyy have I missed you guys. I was busy doing tons of freelance work these past 2 weeks… which is great but, Gosh its hard being a ‘starving artist’. Anyway, as such, I have the luxury of functioning for the most part, on my own schedule and with that time I tend to discover really cools things. I often have friends, ask me for book suggestions, website suggestions, blogs, cool places, etc …. so I thought I would dedicate this post to a few things that I enjoy.

WHO:
Little Dragon … This group ROCKS! …. They were like me and many of my close friends: Old buddies. Having known each other since high school they all attempted to have individual musical careers but ultimately have been finding success with each other. I would describe their sound as ….. a trance like-electronic-funk- soul experience! When I first heard their music I guessed that I was listening to a cool black under ground chick who probably wore thrift clothes before they were in style. Turns out though that I was wrong!!! the leader singer is a gorgeous Swedish-Japanese singer named Yukimi Nagano. The group isn’t even from America, they rock out from Gothenburg, Sweden but are currently touring Europe. Make sure to check them out: … Take a listen to my current favorite song by them Constant Surprises

WHAT:
SelfControl App.
This app was brought to my attention by a med-school bestie who is currently losing her mind. Well, she was until she found this app. What does it do you ask? It blocks out your favorite procrastination agents … ie facebook, twitter, mediatakeout, myspace (they’re making a comeback), blog sites etc. You set a timer, its blocks the sites you programmed and then there is no going back. So if you told yourself that for 90 minutes you would focus on writing a report, then that is what you would be left to do because you can not hit cancel. So ready, set , focus!!!! . Download app here

WHERE:
SOOOOO if you are a New York native like myself or your new to the scene you should check out one of my FAVORITE places: Bembe
Its free, has no dress code, open every night till 4am, plays international music and is just all around fun. While I love this spot I can’t leave out a few of its’ downsides such as, they’re a cash only spot, it looks like a hole in the wall place from outside, and it is quite small so I guarantee your hair will not look the same on a good night. Regardless of its down points I truly love this spot and on a night with great weather you will most likely find me there. Check it out here

For all my readers who are not in NY here is a virtual ‘WHERE’: No Que Dan Blogs
Ever thought of a really cool idea and wished that you could build or invent or do it but you just never did? Well here is where those ideas all actually brought to life by people all over the world. You will find all sorts of things ranging from games, furniture, art, bikes, shelves, anything you name it. I must tell you guys that the site is not in English but that never stopped me from understanding what was going on. At times you may even find a small english translation and one of my favorite features is that you can actually purchase some of the cool items. So, looking for a cool, unique gift that no one would think of? Well then click here for noquedanblogs.com

WHEN:
First Saturdays at Brooklyn Museum

For those of you who love big cool crowds full of funky fresh people of all ages and ethnicities … This is the place for you. Every first Saturday of the month the Brooklyn Museum opens its’ door for free, inviting you to come and enjoy the new art that is being showcased on the 4th & 5th floors, take part in the art activities and then wrap up your night with a themed dance party in the Museum. It is great Saturday event and also a wonderful way to meet new and cool people. Check it out if you’re in the NYC area on April 2nd

WHY:
Be informed … Watch the news, CNN, or one of my personal favorites BBC … The why to this is pretty simple, this is our world and it’s our duty to know what is going on out there.

Alright guys … this ends my Who, What, Where, When, Why post …. Anyone know anything cool that they think I should check out?

Q&A Time: Why Don’t Women Appreciate Good Quality Men???

In life on March 10, 2011 at 9:00 am

His Q: Hey there young lady…not sure how to start this so let me just go for it. I’ve come to the realization that our communities simply don’t produce the type of women who appreciate brothers who are doing something with themselves. It’s only after being used & abused by low quality guys do some women finally wake up & realize where there focus should’ve been the whole time. Some, after realizing this still have affairs with the corner guys while living a lie with the sophisticated brother. I think it’s a shame that some great brothers are struggling with dating while horrible guys are impregnating some good quality women. I’m very aware of the cliché reasons for this (good girls liking bad guys, good guys being to square & lame etc.) but there are brothers out there who still have that edginess & can’t seem to meet someone who would appreciate the best things about them. So the question is… “What’s going on, when did low quality guys become what’s in & is there any way to remedy this?” I think the sketch below does a good job shining light to this unfortunate issue which will ultimately doom the Black race.

My A:
I have decided that I want to ask my own question: Who defines what a good quality guy is? Does talking you to dinner make someone a good quality guy? Does being chivalrous make someone a good guy? And lets’ say that you are a “good quality guy” Does that now mean that you’re owed the affection of the girls that you desire?

There is an expression that I love, which is “Je ne sais quoi” meaning something to the degree of “I don’t know, it’s just that certain something”. It’s that “IT” factor. Just because you’re a good guy that does not mean that you’re THE guy.

I have had a bunch of “good guys” in my life who courted me in attempt to make me see them as the guy that I desire, but usually it just didn’t work. I whole heartedly tried to see these “good guys” as more than just friends but they just weren’t “the” guy. Ultimately, they made me seem like some type of jerk for not having that type of interest in them but at the end of the day the simple fact is: I just wasn’t that into them.

As for the guys I was into they were usually some form of a brainiac, or have some unbelievable worldly knowledge. I like geeks, check my countless tee-shirts that say so if you don’t believe me. Lol. The problem with these geeks is that they usually have too much rational and not enough emotion. Often, I was the one wondering why the guy I liked, didn’t seem to like to, so I decided to do some research.

About a year ago I did a bunch of reading on books about gender, astrology, and relationships. I realized that the guys I was usually attracted to were in most cases “emotionally unavailable”. Which sucked! I tried to figure out why I would like this type of guy that made me seem like a glutton for punishment. I came to the conclusion, that it was the victory that I enjoyed. This type of guy made me feel like he really got to know me because he didn’t get caught up in looks or other surface level ish. I felt his judgment and view of me wasn’t clouded because of lack of emotional. Thus, should he end up being emotionally invested in me it would mean more because it would seem like something I earned verses something given to me under false pretenses.

So as a good guy, what type of girls are you seeking? I think this is the route to your problem. In Roberts Greene’s book “The Art of Seduction” he identifies early on some key elements but the one we will focus on is: Choosing the right victim. While I do not like the book because I feel the heart is not to be selfishly tampered with if you really have no interest, it does provide some great points and strategies.

Choose the right victim: I hate the word victim so we will change it to choosing the right girl. Just because a girl may seem like she has all the qualities that you want doesn’t mean that she is in fact right for you. Robert Greene’s book identifies that everyone is a sort of archetype and that with every type there is a missing piece. If you can transform yourself into this missing piece then the person will fall for you. What is important in that idea is recognizing whether you are that missing piece or not.

Learn to identify these types: *note- these are not titles from Greene’s book.
The Attention Seeker – Do not mistake Attention for Affection
Some girls just like attention. It is not about how sweet, great or wonderful you are or even if you’re a good or bad guy. Sometimes it is just about what you are providing for them at the moment, which is attention. You might confuse the return of their attention with affection but really they are just taking the necessary steps to ensure that you will continue to provide them with you time, energy, etc.

The Secret Damsel in Distress
These women are the strong spirited, talented, educated, self-starting lionesses of the pack but secretly they are just girls. These females enjoy being saved and when you become their hero they love it until they just STOP LOVING it one day. This is usually the point where the ‘good guy’ is saying something to the degree of “I do everything for her, everything that a girl could want”. They usually stop liking that because you , as the good guy, probably aren’t stopping period.

I have found that good guys often become trapped in their own moments, so if they saw that what they did made you happy they will continue until you’re dang near sick of them. These damsels love having a “boo” on their team but they will drop you if they feel a dependency forming (regardless if it is them to you or you depending on them). Give the damsel space to be distressed and need you again but most importantly show her that you know how to let her breathe.

Oh and Guys cardinal rule, give a female time and space to miss you. Yes, we love attention and affection but when you smother us with your “good guy-ness” you honestly go from being cute to just plain annoying.

I do not think the issue in your question is about women not appreciating quality guys or preferring low quality ones for that matter. The issue is about who you are attracted to and the type of guys that person is attracted to. If you can identify that this girl, or this type, is just not interested in you then MOVE ON. Currently there are more men than women in the world so trust me when I say you probably just need to choose different bait to catch a different type.

I am not saying that deeper issues aren’t rooted in this question but that is for another post. 🙂

Oh and now in regards to that video: Give me a break! It was such an exaggeration.
Did it make some good points yes! But it also missed some things or did not look at other factors ….

Such as the Dating Curve:

As I approached my final months of school I was advised by a graduate male student to find my husband quickly because once I graduated everything would change. He went on to explain the dating curve to me which went like this:

When a female is in high school her pickings for a BF are at 90%. Once she graduates HS it goes down to 80%. She then attends college and it drops to 60%. She then graduates college and its down to 30%. Should she continue with graduate education or become financially stable it will just continue to drop.

Now, as for a guy: When a male is in HS his pickings are at 30%. Once he graduates HS it goes up to 50%. He then attends college at it shoots up to 80%. He graduates and it is now at a whopping 95%. Let’s not even think about should he further his degree. I agree with this theory and with that this video seems like the ‘corporate’ guy needs to just re-evaluate who he is attracted to. AND I do not mean the race; I mean the type of woman.

Next Marriage? Give me another break PLEASE…. Barely any guys want to do that anytime soon, especially the educated, corporate brother who doing well for himself. He becomes known as what some women refer to as prime realty and he knows that. After polling over 50 men that I know who are financially stable, educated, and single 92% of them said they did not want to get married until after 30. I completely disagree with the video on that point. Not wanting marriage does not make a male seem of lower quality.

This in fact, is a problem for black people as a whole … how can we create a community where people want to get married sooner? Statistics say that by 26 most Caucasians have been married at least once, can we ever have stats like that?

Another Factor they left out is the Quality Guy can just be plain annoying.

Some “good quality guys” are just flat-out annoying. It is almost as if they become pompous or arrogant in their “good guy-ness”. I’ve had good guys literally become angry with me because I didn’t share their feelings. I often wanted to respond “like, dude are you serious I just don’t like you… Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean I should be into you”. But instead I let them discredit me as “another woman who just doesn’t know how to recognize a good man”.

Which brings me to very important point ladies it’s your fault too! So start stepping up to the plate. I am very guilty of not being straight up with a guy and admitting that I just don’t like a guy like that. More often than not women try to spare feelings or save face but in the end the backlash falls upon them. Then as they sit there complaining about how they “can’t find a good man” those same good guys want to jump down their throat. But, what they really mean to say is “why can’t I find a good man who I actually like? This just brings us back to that certain “it” factor. Some good guys got it and some good guys don’t. The same works in reverse: some good women get all the great guys while other good and deserving woman have to struggle to get a 2nd date. That’s just the way of the world.…..

My end advice evaluate what you are really attracted to and why. Knowing that helps you know yourself better and in turn knowing how to play your cards better so that you can exude that ……… Je Ne Sais Quoi …. 😉

Have a question you want answered by me? Email Sasha@esstxr.com

Poem: Dedicated to the Secret Lovers

In life on March 5, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Sometimes the outside world just doesn’t understand …

Four Walls

The span of my love exist between four walls
No greater than the reach of my arms
No wider than the stretch of my legs

Just far enough out of ear shot
Of friends realities and reminders that failure is built in a four walled fantasy

It’s hidden deep behind brick
Drowned out by jazz
Coupled with fingers that play my body like a Chello

Outside voices have no place here
The corruption of that sound would destroy the Godly hour

We share hours in the morning that live off humility
My love exist between four walls
Where pride attempts to creep in but fails time and time again

Where rational can be met by emotion
And emotion can be rational

This vortex of Four Walls knows no time
It only knows lips …
Touches ….
Embrace ….
It knows memories

The walls around sweat our story
on summer nights and & cold winter days
Where heat does no justice to our unified body temperatures

My love lives in societies purgatory
Misunderstood.
The greatest things are always met with disbelief

We are Alchemy
As the hardest medals we create more than Gold

This story, however, falls short of deaf ears
because it is caught by clasped lips

Only he, I and God can truly understand ….. us…
Oh, and those four walls that is ….

By: Sasha Kelly

Note: this entry has nothing to do with yesterday’s entry …. Someone requested for me to put up a poem so I did.

You Don’t Know Me ….

In life on March 4, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Ever notice how much more serious relationships become as you get older … I have. In high school I barely had relationships that exceeded a month, but by the time I was a senior my relationship was reaching its almost 2 years mark. Now at 23, relationships are no joke to me. I am not saying they are marriage to me but what is the point in being in one if you’re not serious about the other person.

Recently a male friend of mine posed the question, “Are you open to being in a relationship or are you anti-relationship right now?” to which I responded “Anti, for right now”. He continued with “So, if a guy who has been there for a while, and who has spent time you with etc asked you to be with him, you would shut him down”, I followed with “No, in that case I may be open to it, if I felt like the guy really knew me….. But I don’t spend enough time with anyone trying to date me for that to happen”. He responded “Well I’ve known you for a while, and if I continued to know you, or we go somewhere together … I am going to me really pissed if you say I haven’t seen the real you”

I responded with one statement: YOU DON”T KNOW ME ….

Now-a-days a relationship seems to be under some sort of time regulated system. In this case, the guy felt because he has known me for a year that he was logically a candidate or the next best step for ‘us’ was a relationship. What I couldn’t understand is: why would he want a relationship with me? Not trying to discredit myself, I just mean what does he really know about me?

He has never seen me cry….never watched me be angry …never hung out with my friends … never been the shoulder I cried on … doesn’t know what I do in my free time… doesn’t know about my family or our background, he doesn’t know anything essentially beyond what can be provided on an occasional date. The same stands vice-versa. There is no one to blame here, we both just have very different schedules which is cool but while I expected nothing more. Here he is making me feel bad for not wanting something unless there is a solid foundation.

An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me that we couldn’t be friends after we broke up because we were never friends to begin with. He was absolutely correct. I used and continue to try and use that statement as a mold for my future relationships.

I am not running from being involved with someone. I just want to know who exactly I am involved with. It is very easy to create the perceptions that you want people to see. The next relationship that I am in will be with someone that KNOWS me … and I will know him.

Regardless of how long we know each other, our involvement will be determined by where our heart is.

So I ask you … How well do you know your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Open Your Mouth Wide ….

In life, Work on March 3, 2011 at 3:23 am

Nooooo I am not talking about the dentist, and get your mind out of the gutter because I am not talking about that either! 🙂 …

Growing up, there was nothing that my mother couldn’t stand more than me mumbling. With a sharp eye she would tell me “Open your mouth and speak up”. Now, don’t have me mistaken, I was not a quiet child …. I COULD open up my mouth to make noise, I COULD open it to sing songs, and I COULD open it argue with my sister. Inconveniently, I could NOT open up my mouth and speak up when it counted and by that I mean when I wanted something that I was not confident that I would get.

At 5 years old, it was mumbling for candy, at ten mumbling to play down the street, at 15 mumbling to spend the night at a friend’s house and now at 23 I found/find myself ready to mumble at someone else. This time it is not my Mom … this time…. I can’t speak up to the person with the check book.

For anyone who is not familiar with me, let me give you a quick catch-up story: Hi my name is Sasha Kelly and I want to be a Director and an Actress. Sooooooo of course, you know, that means I am not a huge director nor actress right now, but what I am is a p.a. (aka a production assistant). While sometimes being a p.a. can seem like b*tch work …. it can also be extremely beneficial. Imagine, you’re standing on a very expensive set, with easy access to some big named industry people. IT’S GREAT!!!! …. But, that is only if you stand out. I usually try my hardest to stand out and more often than not … I succeed.

So then, Why am I still broke??? Well it’s because I don’t know how to open up my mouth wide and state what I would like! I show up everyday, do my best to go above and beyond what everyone ask of me, consistently, and yet never bring up anything about money. Heck, I would not think about paying me either since I seemingly like to work for free. But, now it’s time for me to speak up!

Knowing your value as an artist, as a person and as a professional is extremely important. Everyone is ready and waiting to devalue you …. so why give them a head start by not speaking up. This is where my problem stems from … I don’t know what my own professional/artistic value is and that one element made it extremely difficult for me to ask for anything until NOW.

What caused the change you ask? … Well, a while ago, while assisting someone on a job for FREE (which I did not mind at the time) I came across the budget sheet. To my utter and total shock, there in black and white, stated a day fee of $200.00 for my services, a fee that I never received during my time working with him. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DAYS I ASSISTED THIS PERSON!?!?!?! …. While I was mad at first, I realized that this was just a lesson for me. If I never speak up, how can I ever expect anything to change? this my friends is a lessons for all areas of life.

You have to claim what you want! Own it! OPEN YOUR MOUTH WIDE AND SAY __________________________ *You fill in the blank 😉