Still Thinkin'

Q&A Time: Why Don’t Women Appreciate Good Quality Men???

In life on March 10, 2011 at 9:00 am

His Q: Hey there young lady…not sure how to start this so let me just go for it. I’ve come to the realization that our communities simply don’t produce the type of women who appreciate brothers who are doing something with themselves. It’s only after being used & abused by low quality guys do some women finally wake up & realize where there focus should’ve been the whole time. Some, after realizing this still have affairs with the corner guys while living a lie with the sophisticated brother. I think it’s a shame that some great brothers are struggling with dating while horrible guys are impregnating some good quality women. I’m very aware of the cliché reasons for this (good girls liking bad guys, good guys being to square & lame etc.) but there are brothers out there who still have that edginess & can’t seem to meet someone who would appreciate the best things about them. So the question is… “What’s going on, when did low quality guys become what’s in & is there any way to remedy this?” I think the sketch below does a good job shining light to this unfortunate issue which will ultimately doom the Black race.

My A:
I have decided that I want to ask my own question: Who defines what a good quality guy is? Does talking you to dinner make someone a good quality guy? Does being chivalrous make someone a good guy? And lets’ say that you are a “good quality guy” Does that now mean that you’re owed the affection of the girls that you desire?

There is an expression that I love, which is “Je ne sais quoi” meaning something to the degree of “I don’t know, it’s just that certain something”. It’s that “IT” factor. Just because you’re a good guy that does not mean that you’re THE guy.

I have had a bunch of “good guys” in my life who courted me in attempt to make me see them as the guy that I desire, but usually it just didn’t work. I whole heartedly tried to see these “good guys” as more than just friends but they just weren’t “the” guy. Ultimately, they made me seem like some type of jerk for not having that type of interest in them but at the end of the day the simple fact is: I just wasn’t that into them.

As for the guys I was into they were usually some form of a brainiac, or have some unbelievable worldly knowledge. I like geeks, check my countless tee-shirts that say so if you don’t believe me. Lol. The problem with these geeks is that they usually have too much rational and not enough emotion. Often, I was the one wondering why the guy I liked, didn’t seem to like to, so I decided to do some research.

About a year ago I did a bunch of reading on books about gender, astrology, and relationships. I realized that the guys I was usually attracted to were in most cases “emotionally unavailable”. Which sucked! I tried to figure out why I would like this type of guy that made me seem like a glutton for punishment. I came to the conclusion, that it was the victory that I enjoyed. This type of guy made me feel like he really got to know me because he didn’t get caught up in looks or other surface level ish. I felt his judgment and view of me wasn’t clouded because of lack of emotional. Thus, should he end up being emotionally invested in me it would mean more because it would seem like something I earned verses something given to me under false pretenses.

So as a good guy, what type of girls are you seeking? I think this is the route to your problem. In Roberts Greene’s book “The Art of Seduction” he identifies early on some key elements but the one we will focus on is: Choosing the right victim. While I do not like the book because I feel the heart is not to be selfishly tampered with if you really have no interest, it does provide some great points and strategies.

Choose the right victim: I hate the word victim so we will change it to choosing the right girl. Just because a girl may seem like she has all the qualities that you want doesn’t mean that she is in fact right for you. Robert Greene’s book identifies that everyone is a sort of archetype and that with every type there is a missing piece. If you can transform yourself into this missing piece then the person will fall for you. What is important in that idea is recognizing whether you are that missing piece or not.

Learn to identify these types: *note- these are not titles from Greene’s book.
The Attention Seeker – Do not mistake Attention for Affection
Some girls just like attention. It is not about how sweet, great or wonderful you are or even if you’re a good or bad guy. Sometimes it is just about what you are providing for them at the moment, which is attention. You might confuse the return of their attention with affection but really they are just taking the necessary steps to ensure that you will continue to provide them with you time, energy, etc.

The Secret Damsel in Distress
These women are the strong spirited, talented, educated, self-starting lionesses of the pack but secretly they are just girls. These females enjoy being saved and when you become their hero they love it until they just STOP LOVING it one day. This is usually the point where the ‘good guy’ is saying something to the degree of “I do everything for her, everything that a girl could want”. They usually stop liking that because you , as the good guy, probably aren’t stopping period.

I have found that good guys often become trapped in their own moments, so if they saw that what they did made you happy they will continue until you’re dang near sick of them. These damsels love having a “boo” on their team but they will drop you if they feel a dependency forming (regardless if it is them to you or you depending on them). Give the damsel space to be distressed and need you again but most importantly show her that you know how to let her breathe.

Oh and Guys cardinal rule, give a female time and space to miss you. Yes, we love attention and affection but when you smother us with your “good guy-ness” you honestly go from being cute to just plain annoying.

I do not think the issue in your question is about women not appreciating quality guys or preferring low quality ones for that matter. The issue is about who you are attracted to and the type of guys that person is attracted to. If you can identify that this girl, or this type, is just not interested in you then MOVE ON. Currently there are more men than women in the world so trust me when I say you probably just need to choose different bait to catch a different type.

I am not saying that deeper issues aren’t rooted in this question but that is for another post. 🙂

Oh and now in regards to that video: Give me a break! It was such an exaggeration.
Did it make some good points yes! But it also missed some things or did not look at other factors ….

Such as the Dating Curve:

As I approached my final months of school I was advised by a graduate male student to find my husband quickly because once I graduated everything would change. He went on to explain the dating curve to me which went like this:

When a female is in high school her pickings for a BF are at 90%. Once she graduates HS it goes down to 80%. She then attends college and it drops to 60%. She then graduates college and its down to 30%. Should she continue with graduate education or become financially stable it will just continue to drop.

Now, as for a guy: When a male is in HS his pickings are at 30%. Once he graduates HS it goes up to 50%. He then attends college at it shoots up to 80%. He graduates and it is now at a whopping 95%. Let’s not even think about should he further his degree. I agree with this theory and with that this video seems like the ‘corporate’ guy needs to just re-evaluate who he is attracted to. AND I do not mean the race; I mean the type of woman.

Next Marriage? Give me another break PLEASE…. Barely any guys want to do that anytime soon, especially the educated, corporate brother who doing well for himself. He becomes known as what some women refer to as prime realty and he knows that. After polling over 50 men that I know who are financially stable, educated, and single 92% of them said they did not want to get married until after 30. I completely disagree with the video on that point. Not wanting marriage does not make a male seem of lower quality.

This in fact, is a problem for black people as a whole … how can we create a community where people want to get married sooner? Statistics say that by 26 most Caucasians have been married at least once, can we ever have stats like that?

Another Factor they left out is the Quality Guy can just be plain annoying.

Some “good quality guys” are just flat-out annoying. It is almost as if they become pompous or arrogant in their “good guy-ness”. I’ve had good guys literally become angry with me because I didn’t share their feelings. I often wanted to respond “like, dude are you serious I just don’t like you… Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean I should be into you”. But instead I let them discredit me as “another woman who just doesn’t know how to recognize a good man”.

Which brings me to very important point ladies it’s your fault too! So start stepping up to the plate. I am very guilty of not being straight up with a guy and admitting that I just don’t like a guy like that. More often than not women try to spare feelings or save face but in the end the backlash falls upon them. Then as they sit there complaining about how they “can’t find a good man” those same good guys want to jump down their throat. But, what they really mean to say is “why can’t I find a good man who I actually like? This just brings us back to that certain “it” factor. Some good guys got it and some good guys don’t. The same works in reverse: some good women get all the great guys while other good and deserving woman have to struggle to get a 2nd date. That’s just the way of the world.…..

My end advice evaluate what you are really attracted to and why. Knowing that helps you know yourself better and in turn knowing how to play your cards better so that you can exude that ……… Je Ne Sais Quoi …. 😉

Have a question you want answered by me? Email Sasha@esstxr.com

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  1. Interesting take on today’s entry…another element is simply “timing”. Good guys may often feel a sense of entitlement, especially given their seemingly superior status relative to those guys that represent the less than ideal alternative. But honestly, in addition to their not being THE guy, or their becoming the annoying guy, the good guy could in fact be the right guy who merely came at the wrong time. Additionally, sometimes we confuse our relationships, attempting to force them to evolve into more when they were simply just meant to remain friendships. The cultivation of friendships is an inevitable necessity to ensure our happiness and companionship in the absence of relationships, and, as you mentioned, they rest at the foundation of any successful relationship. As young people, we must realize that it is ok to remain friends. Unfounded expectations for more tend to lead to disappointment. If after a year of “putting in work” the individual hasn’t made moves to make you theirs, then it doesn’t mean that you have failed; it could mean that you’re not THAT person for them at THAT time, and thats fine. Perhaps later, perhaps never…either way, at least you have built something of substance based on essential qualities and not surface level infatuations.

  2. Whether a woman values a good man or not is irrelevant once that man has a proper understanding of the “game” and by the game I mean the social behavior of human beings. Robert Greene goes into to great detail in the Art of Seduction on how the mental of a man, woman and the masses can be easily manipulated for any reasons. Nevertheless the methods underlined in the book were meant to teach the average person to seduce the heart and minds of people as a whole, the personal and sexual gratification from seducing a person with his methods will ultimately back fire after a certain period of time.

    Tragically I must admit that I once suffered the back lash of being the “nice guy” or “the good man” until time taught me some valuable lessons, which didn’t change my persona one bit but the experiences reshaped my whole approach to women and life in general. There is nothing wrong with being a good man or a nice guy! The so called good men making generalizations that woman don’t appreciate us are the ones who give some of us who are appreciated a bad name. Along with the stigma that we are just a bunch of overly attentive, friendzone pu$$y getting whiney muddah fcukas, and that’s not the case.

    The saying that nice guys finish last is a cliché and nothing more, winners win regardless and losers lose as a man ask yourself which category do you fall into? A lot of good men fail in their approach with women because one they don’t make their intentions clear from the jump and settle for being the friend, the open ear, the comforter, while the other guy got her pulling on her comforter and you sitting around hoping she realize how good you are. That’s not her fault, you made yourself available as a friend so play your part and don’t get upset when your true intentions don’t manifest. You were better off making your intentions clear and getting rejected, than playing nice and still getting rejected, you could’ve saved so much time and energy to use on someone who was on the same page with you.

    There is nothing wrong with being a friend not every girl you meet you have to fcuk or be in a relationship with, if you keep basing your success with women on how many of them you dated and sleep with then you are not the good man you claim to be. You’re selfish and only in it for your own intentions. I base my success with women on how many hearts and mind I can steal not panties, cause if you been with enough women you know that pus$$y is just another hole I don’t care how good she says it is. And if you keep putting it up on a pedestal stool then you don’t get enough of it and therein lies the true problem.

    Final thought women are complicated creatures don’t expect them to make decisions at all time with rationality, especially when it comes to relationships. There are so many factors that effect a woman’s decision making when it comes to choosing a mate it’s deeper than good guy bad guy. A childhood experience plays a big part, whether they were abused or had a father figure etc… Really shapes a woman’s mind. A woman who is attractive, intelligent, sane, and has her life together is hard to find to find. 90% of the time the girl you`re thinking about, most likely, ISN`T as special as you think, she is only as special as you make her. So rather than make generalization based on personal experience that good men aren’t appreciated, reevaluate yourself and ask why I am not appreciated. Assume formlessness when dealing with women and the world in general don’t expect to be appreciated just because of your persona or character or acts and deeds, Jesus was a good man and they crucified him, what do you think the world is going to do to you? STOP CRYING..

  3. I have to say that you’ve clarified many important things in answering this question & I agree with most of what you have to say but the part that still leaves me puzzled is the fact that so many women are crazy about the low quality guys…yeah the one well into his 20’s or early 30’s who’s got nothing going for himself. He simply sits home & smokes weed, chills with his boys, parties to death etc. & does whatever he has to do to acquire the latest ghetto fabulous trends. Are you implying that this type of guy possess the “it” that you refer to? I’m in no way implying that simply because a guy is “nice” that a woman should desire him but it’s almost as if the characteristic is a repellent of some sort. Also by “good guy” I’m referring to good qualities & credentials not simply a mushy sweetheart type. I know guys who purposely act like dirtbags because they say, “It makes them want you more…when you’re good there’s no challenge, no fun.”

    • I think you should read my article again …. Like I said the key factor is about the type of girls. I do not think that those guys end up with quality women and, or relationships. Do they meet interested females, yes of courses but the females who want to persue those type of guys just simply like those type of guys and not your type. Bob Marley smoked weed non-stop yet look how many women loved him! It’s because he had others elements to him that catered to women who were attracted to his type of life. If you could pose a question “Are you implying that this type of guy possess the “it” that you refer to? ” after reading what I wrote then I am afraid you missed the message I was trying to get across. I also was not referring to the good quality guy as just the sweetheart mushy type … I refrenced at several point in the post that these guys to me and accomplished, doing well for themselves etc. The guy that you just described sounds like what teenagers are attracted to …. NOT an adult woman who is trying really be invested in some sort of serious relationship. Re-read and read the other comments on here … maybe you will get what I am/was trying to say.

      Thanks for the response 🙂 …. Subscribe pls

      • I read it a couple of times & I understand it completely. If anything I was adding to the original question. The others who commented made great points as well. I’m waiting for 2 of my people to reply in the mean time. Thanks again for your interesting perspective of this dilemma.

  4. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I抣l make sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will definitely comeback.

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