Still Thinkin'

Posts Tagged ‘life’

One Life To Live …

In life, women, Work on August 14, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Experience life. I don’t know when this actually becomes a fear. Almost like a pandemic.

I guess, if you really think about it, we are programmed since young to always color within the lines and, even, at times given a color chart to make sure that the picture comes out just as expected. We live. We grow. We learn. We work. We … exist. But, when does that pivotal moment occur?, that moment that causes you to want to risk everything. To journey out and start experiencing life, experiencing you?

I have been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit. Anytime some one hears this, their immediate assumption is that I am rich. To any of my close friends, this is quite an entertaining joke. Known for my lack there-of in crazy pursuit of happiness, I am no “baller”. I am simply scared of the future. Scared of looking back one day and realizing that I never attempted to do whatever truly makes me happy. Maybe that’s what drew me to Evita “Evie” Robinson.

When I initially watched Evie’s videos on her blog site which focuses on her life and adventures around the world, I was not drawn in because of the places that she was showcasing but rather what she trying to represent: People that look like me/her traveling and experiencing the world. It is not impossible.

She was a genuine, unique and most importantly bold. During a conversation with her I asked what makes you so courageous to travel rugged lands alone and even more-so as a young female. Her immediate response was “Being courageous doesn’t mean you don’t have fear.” What a beautiful thought, she continued with what she refers to as ‘Analysis Paralysis’. In other words, we as humans, in general, have a tendency to over think situations and destroy opportunities with our own rational and worries, creating the ‘paralysis’ that stagnates us from living.

“When you just start going out and doing …. Life will literally create a path to make that happen,” says Evie. Some may think her approach is too haphazard but once you have taken a closer look you will find that her focus is just different. Her priorities do not lay with new fashion, life’s luxuries, or fine dining. Keeping a humble living she saves to afford these trips that culture and enrich her as a person.

I have spoken to many of my friends about their fear of traveling and in general their responses went something like this: I don’t speak any other language, I don’t have the money for that, I don’t have time for that, or my personal favorite “after watching hostel I am scared of staying in those”.

People you don’t need to speak another language to travel most places; most of communication is non-verbal so in that sentiment alone one should feel more at ease. Based on her own travels Evita has her own way of dealing with culture barriers “They don’t speak your language and they don’t look like you, you literally become reduced to symbols. I learn to say thank you, I’m sorry, hello, good bye … that and a smile will take you a long way”. In my own international experiences, paradoxically, I have found that people are often eager to practice whatever bit of English they may happen to know. So I implore folks do not to let language become a validation for not traveling. As far as time and money are concerned those are broken down by desire and priority. You make money and time for what you deem is important. No excuses.

Lets break it down like this … you spend about 6-8 hours sleeping per day. You spend an additional 4 – 6 hours doing things like watching tv, showering, and wasting time on the internet. You are now left with 12 hours per day to experience life. I believe that Evita said it best in her closing as her college graduation commencement speaker: “Excuse me but your life is waiting” …… So I ask you now, What are you going to do with it?


Q&A Time: Why Don’t Women Appreciate Good Quality Men???

In life on March 10, 2011 at 9:00 am

His Q: Hey there young lady…not sure how to start this so let me just go for it. I’ve come to the realization that our communities simply don’t produce the type of women who appreciate brothers who are doing something with themselves. It’s only after being used & abused by low quality guys do some women finally wake up & realize where there focus should’ve been the whole time. Some, after realizing this still have affairs with the corner guys while living a lie with the sophisticated brother. I think it’s a shame that some great brothers are struggling with dating while horrible guys are impregnating some good quality women. I’m very aware of the cliché reasons for this (good girls liking bad guys, good guys being to square & lame etc.) but there are brothers out there who still have that edginess & can’t seem to meet someone who would appreciate the best things about them. So the question is… “What’s going on, when did low quality guys become what’s in & is there any way to remedy this?” I think the sketch below does a good job shining light to this unfortunate issue which will ultimately doom the Black race.

My A:
I have decided that I want to ask my own question: Who defines what a good quality guy is? Does talking you to dinner make someone a good quality guy? Does being chivalrous make someone a good guy? And lets’ say that you are a “good quality guy” Does that now mean that you’re owed the affection of the girls that you desire?

There is an expression that I love, which is “Je ne sais quoi” meaning something to the degree of “I don’t know, it’s just that certain something”. It’s that “IT” factor. Just because you’re a good guy that does not mean that you’re THE guy.

I have had a bunch of “good guys” in my life who courted me in attempt to make me see them as the guy that I desire, but usually it just didn’t work. I whole heartedly tried to see these “good guys” as more than just friends but they just weren’t “the” guy. Ultimately, they made me seem like some type of jerk for not having that type of interest in them but at the end of the day the simple fact is: I just wasn’t that into them.

As for the guys I was into they were usually some form of a brainiac, or have some unbelievable worldly knowledge. I like geeks, check my countless tee-shirts that say so if you don’t believe me. Lol. The problem with these geeks is that they usually have too much rational and not enough emotion. Often, I was the one wondering why the guy I liked, didn’t seem to like to, so I decided to do some research.

About a year ago I did a bunch of reading on books about gender, astrology, and relationships. I realized that the guys I was usually attracted to were in most cases “emotionally unavailable”. Which sucked! I tried to figure out why I would like this type of guy that made me seem like a glutton for punishment. I came to the conclusion, that it was the victory that I enjoyed. This type of guy made me feel like he really got to know me because he didn’t get caught up in looks or other surface level ish. I felt his judgment and view of me wasn’t clouded because of lack of emotional. Thus, should he end up being emotionally invested in me it would mean more because it would seem like something I earned verses something given to me under false pretenses.

So as a good guy, what type of girls are you seeking? I think this is the route to your problem. In Roberts Greene’s book “The Art of Seduction” he identifies early on some key elements but the one we will focus on is: Choosing the right victim. While I do not like the book because I feel the heart is not to be selfishly tampered with if you really have no interest, it does provide some great points and strategies.

Choose the right victim: I hate the word victim so we will change it to choosing the right girl. Just because a girl may seem like she has all the qualities that you want doesn’t mean that she is in fact right for you. Robert Greene’s book identifies that everyone is a sort of archetype and that with every type there is a missing piece. If you can transform yourself into this missing piece then the person will fall for you. What is important in that idea is recognizing whether you are that missing piece or not.

Learn to identify these types: *note- these are not titles from Greene’s book.
The Attention Seeker – Do not mistake Attention for Affection
Some girls just like attention. It is not about how sweet, great or wonderful you are or even if you’re a good or bad guy. Sometimes it is just about what you are providing for them at the moment, which is attention. You might confuse the return of their attention with affection but really they are just taking the necessary steps to ensure that you will continue to provide them with you time, energy, etc.

The Secret Damsel in Distress
These women are the strong spirited, talented, educated, self-starting lionesses of the pack but secretly they are just girls. These females enjoy being saved and when you become their hero they love it until they just STOP LOVING it one day. This is usually the point where the ‘good guy’ is saying something to the degree of “I do everything for her, everything that a girl could want”. They usually stop liking that because you , as the good guy, probably aren’t stopping period.

I have found that good guys often become trapped in their own moments, so if they saw that what they did made you happy they will continue until you’re dang near sick of them. These damsels love having a “boo” on their team but they will drop you if they feel a dependency forming (regardless if it is them to you or you depending on them). Give the damsel space to be distressed and need you again but most importantly show her that you know how to let her breathe.

Oh and Guys cardinal rule, give a female time and space to miss you. Yes, we love attention and affection but when you smother us with your “good guy-ness” you honestly go from being cute to just plain annoying.

I do not think the issue in your question is about women not appreciating quality guys or preferring low quality ones for that matter. The issue is about who you are attracted to and the type of guys that person is attracted to. If you can identify that this girl, or this type, is just not interested in you then MOVE ON. Currently there are more men than women in the world so trust me when I say you probably just need to choose different bait to catch a different type.

I am not saying that deeper issues aren’t rooted in this question but that is for another post. 🙂

Oh and now in regards to that video: Give me a break! It was such an exaggeration.
Did it make some good points yes! But it also missed some things or did not look at other factors ….

Such as the Dating Curve:

As I approached my final months of school I was advised by a graduate male student to find my husband quickly because once I graduated everything would change. He went on to explain the dating curve to me which went like this:

When a female is in high school her pickings for a BF are at 90%. Once she graduates HS it goes down to 80%. She then attends college and it drops to 60%. She then graduates college and its down to 30%. Should she continue with graduate education or become financially stable it will just continue to drop.

Now, as for a guy: When a male is in HS his pickings are at 30%. Once he graduates HS it goes up to 50%. He then attends college at it shoots up to 80%. He graduates and it is now at a whopping 95%. Let’s not even think about should he further his degree. I agree with this theory and with that this video seems like the ‘corporate’ guy needs to just re-evaluate who he is attracted to. AND I do not mean the race; I mean the type of woman.

Next Marriage? Give me another break PLEASE…. Barely any guys want to do that anytime soon, especially the educated, corporate brother who doing well for himself. He becomes known as what some women refer to as prime realty and he knows that. After polling over 50 men that I know who are financially stable, educated, and single 92% of them said they did not want to get married until after 30. I completely disagree with the video on that point. Not wanting marriage does not make a male seem of lower quality.

This in fact, is a problem for black people as a whole … how can we create a community where people want to get married sooner? Statistics say that by 26 most Caucasians have been married at least once, can we ever have stats like that?

Another Factor they left out is the Quality Guy can just be plain annoying.

Some “good quality guys” are just flat-out annoying. It is almost as if they become pompous or arrogant in their “good guy-ness”. I’ve had good guys literally become angry with me because I didn’t share their feelings. I often wanted to respond “like, dude are you serious I just don’t like you… Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean I should be into you”. But instead I let them discredit me as “another woman who just doesn’t know how to recognize a good man”.

Which brings me to very important point ladies it’s your fault too! So start stepping up to the plate. I am very guilty of not being straight up with a guy and admitting that I just don’t like a guy like that. More often than not women try to spare feelings or save face but in the end the backlash falls upon them. Then as they sit there complaining about how they “can’t find a good man” those same good guys want to jump down their throat. But, what they really mean to say is “why can’t I find a good man who I actually like? This just brings us back to that certain “it” factor. Some good guys got it and some good guys don’t. The same works in reverse: some good women get all the great guys while other good and deserving woman have to struggle to get a 2nd date. That’s just the way of the world.…..

My end advice evaluate what you are really attracted to and why. Knowing that helps you know yourself better and in turn knowing how to play your cards better so that you can exude that ……… Je Ne Sais Quoi …. 😉

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